Wednesday, 28 May 2008

On cock-blocking insects

After a hard day's shopping around one of Europe's largest shopping centres, myself and Amelie arrived home excited about all the cool stuff we'd just spent the day buying, but completely exhausted. After constructing all the wonderful storage boxes we'd got from Ikea, and showering, I went to relax on the couch, whilst she tried on some of her new outfits, including the find of the day - a shimmering golden bikini. Now, before today, had she ever shared with me any intentions she had of purchasing such an item, I'd have giggled and scoffed, but let me tell you, it looks much better on her body than it probably looks in your imagination. So, having put my eyes back into their sockets, she came over and sat atop me, her long red hair flowing over her naked shoulders and... OUCH! I feel an ache in my groin, which worsens with pressure, and up I sit with a start.

It's worth bringing to your attention here something that happened to me around this time last year, and would have made this blog had I been compiling it back then. On a drunken night in my hometown, I was demonstrating the rather camp run displayed by Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon, and in doing so, I ran directly into a bollock-high black bollard some council cunt had elected to erect in the middle of the fucking pavement. This knocked me to the ground, subsequently swelled up, and left me with pain in the groinal area for a good six months afterwards - a pain akin to the aforementioned one I felt tonight, and so my first instinct was that this was a recurring instance of my previous injury.

If only...

On seeing my discomfort, Amelie immediately looked Southward towards the source, inquiring as to whether it was the same pain I'd felt on that fateful night last year. But then a look of horror appeared on her face accompanied by a shocked, "What's that?! Oh my god! You have a tick in your balls!" Horrified, I looked down, and sure enough, there was this bulging bodied bug, neck deep in my nut, it's body bloated with my precious blood.

I'm a squeamish person at the best of times, but two of my worst fears relating to the human body are things going wrong with my genitals, and insects burrowing into my body. Needless to say, I was not best pleased.

Ticks seem to be rather common here in Vienna, and Amelie is well-practised in removing them, from cats and people alike. So it came to be that I was lying on her sofa, with a beautiful girl in a golden bikini removing an insect from my balls with a pair of tweezers - I was ready to just crush the fucker and run around the room naked and screaming, but I was calmly informed that it's important to be gentle and ensure the tick's head does not remain in the body as infection can ensue. Nice.

A phone call to her mum followed, with Amelie all re-assuring smiles and giggles and me all pale faced and terrified, so we could make sure we could treat the bite in the best manner possible so as to avoid any infection or disease. It's a little red and swollen, and there's still that dull ache, but I'm sure I'll survive.

She could remove that golden bikini and do as she pleased with her naked body for the rest of the evening, but my chap is going nowhere tonight, thanks to that little six-legged bastard. Ticks suck balls. Fact.

Monday, 12 May 2008

On bad sportsmanship

My girlfriend and I spent yesterday in the country at her parents house. It was great weather and her little brother insisted we all play football in the garden. So myself and her dad were pitted against her, her brother and her mum, with the parents in our respective goals and the rest of us outfield. My girlfriend is very competitive, and despite hating football, she went about it with great gusto, launching enthusiastically into every tackle and shot. Whilst a keen sportswoman, she's usually very ladylike and elegant and from looking at her on a normal day, you'd be surprised that she'd get so into a game of football.

I went about my game tackling lightly and making sure I didn't blast the ball too hard at her mum, who despite screaming whenever I got close was actually a fucking good goalkeeper. Meanwhile, Amelie ran around like a woman possessed, kicking fuck out of my ankles with each horrendously mistimed challenge. Then I was about to take the ball from her with a light tap, but as I approached, I slipped on the grass, and went to ground, sliding along and completely taking her out in what must have looked like a venomous and vengeful two-footed challenge.

Luckily no-one was hurt, and her parents know me well enough to know I meant no harm (I hope), but still, I felt like a cunt.