Friday, 24 June 2011

I have moved!

New updates will appear over here from now on...

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

100 Things It's Impossible To Look Cool Whilst Doing

1) Carrying three pints without looking like a Praying Mantis
2) Walking barefoot across a hot/pebbly beach
3) Manually winding down car windows
4) Getting change out of your wallet
5) Opening the little fruit/veg bags at supermarkets
6) Running for a bus
7) Eating Mini Cheddars from the bag
8) Drinking through a straw from a carton
9) Chasing and trying to pick up a bouncing rugby ball
10) Standing up on a bus if your head is higher than the roof
11) Sipping a hot drink
12) Wearing a cycling attire (helmet, lycra shorts...)
13) Asking for condoms in a shop
14) Standing around in a women's clothes shop whilst your girlfriend tries stuff on
15) Scraping dog poo off your shoe
16) Turning around after taking a turn at bowling
17) Getting up after tripping over
18) Dropping to one knee to tie a shoelace
19) Jogging from a distance to a door someone is holding open for you
20) Running whilst clutching pockets to prevent spillage
21) Holding a sparkler
22) Holding a friend’s drink and your own whilst they use a pub toilet
23) Gargling
24) Eating spaghetti
25) Eating corn on the cob
26) Climbing the steps in a swimming pool
27) Looking down a telescope
28) Chasing after money in the street
29) Picking up a bunch of documents after dropping them
30) Reading a broadsheet newspaper
31) Reaching around to plug something into the back of a computer
32) Vaccuuming
33) Wearing rubber gloves
34) Carrying toilet roll on a campsite
35) Taking a small dog for a walk
36) Wearing just socks
37) Sitting in a car wash
38) Threading a needle
39) Blowing out a candle
40) Getting food at a carvery
41) Using a footpump
42) Perching on the arm of a chair
43) Squeezing through the closing doors on the tube
44) Wearing a hairnet
45) Walking on ice
46) Sharing a pair of headphones
47) Untangling headphones
48) Squatting
49) Taking a shower when there is no wall mount
50) Getting frisked at the airport
51) Getting something out of your eye
52) Walking up a steep hill
53) Escaping from a jumper with a tight neck
54) Changing direction in the street when you forget something
55) Blowing up balloons
56) Fanning away a flying insect
57) Carrying a chair
58) Doing that shuffle thing when you need to get past someone walking in your direction
59) Buying wellingtons
60) Wiping a pair of spectacles
61) Removing a condom
62) Correcting an umberella that's been blown inside-out
63) Holding your girlfriend's/sister's/friend's purse/handbag
64) Wearing sandals/flip-flops and socks together
65) Pruning a rose bush
66) Flailing around whilst ice/roller skating
67) Wearing a wetsuit
68) Wearing a tucked in t-shirt
69) Having visible bogeys
70) Having a dentist fiddle around in your mouth
71) Using a hulahoop
72) Flossing your teeth
73) Picking out a wedgie
74) Sucking a gobstopper
75) Wearing a beer hat
76) Sneezing/blowing your nose
77) Trying to attract a waiter's attention
78) Blowing a bubblegum bubble
79) Weighing yourself
80) Sitting on a toilet
81) Walking out of an exam early
82) Packing your bags at the supermarket checkout
83) Hopping around trying to put trousers on
84) Zipping up your fly
85) Learning to skateboard
86) Crying
87) Having an eye test
88) Talking to someone who is hard of hearing
89) Being examined by a doctor
90) Throwing up
91) Trying to cool hot food that's already in your mouth
92) Singing karaoke
93) Having your nose covered in sun tan lotion
94) Wearing goggles
95) Wearing Speedos
96) Putting a contact lens in
97) Handing out brochures
98) Walking into the wind
99) Wiping anything of the seat of your pants
100) Carrying a heavy rucksack

On backstreet dentistry

This isn't a new entry as such - it actually happened some 5 years ago, before I kept a blog, when I used to just include some of my tales in emails to friends equally bored during work.

I figured it deserved a place here, so here goes:

Part 1

So, having lost half my tooth at the weekend, I went to the dentist this morning, the only one I could find near me that were still taking new patients. I think I understand why.

Alarm bells started ringing when the doorbell played a lullabyesqe rendition of the French National Anthem as I entered the building. Random. The building itself was a run down old shack that was basically someone's house with a few desks and a 'surgery' in there.

The dentist herself was a pleasant German woman. Pleasant until she saw my form and said,
"You smoke? Stop it. Well, unless you want to grow up toothless."
After digging around in my mouth for a while, she re-endeared herself to me:
"Your teeth are in great condition, you must visit a dentist regularly."
If by regularly she means twice in the last 12 years, then yes, regular as clockwork.

So, she informs me I need a filling, and that this filling will cost me £250.
"250?!!" I exclaim. Well, mumble sheepishly, rather than exclaim.
"Well, yes, unless you want a regular filling rather than the gold?"
This rather stunned me into silence. Do I really look like I share the same penchant for gleaming gold accessories as the majority of street kids that live in Hackney? And if I could afford that, surely I would have found myself a more 'respectable' dentist. Anyway, I left kind of sated, but not before I'd had to run through the rain to find a cashpoint to pay my bill as they didn't accept cards.

I do hope their tooth repairing tools are more modern than their banking methods. If not, I guess I could get used to a mouthful of wooden pegs. At least then I'll look like a pirate.

Part 2

I returned to the 'dental surgery' this morning to have a huge fucking filling fitted. I decided not to opt for the gold one. Or the "more aesthetically pleasing" white one, and instead went for the cheapest option, the amalgam filling. It's the back of my tooth so I don't look too much like Jaws.

Already in the waiting room were two old trolls that were jibbering in what I swear was a language the scriptwiters of this godforsaken serial I found myself in had invented purely to make me feel more uneasy. Add to that the fact that their 'conversation' was punctuated at regular points either by one of them cackling insanely, or by the other standing up and performing some kind of shit jig, which I took to be a rather unfortunate, if highly amusing twitch.

On a side note, I spent close to two hours there, during which time numerous people arrived, were treated, and left. These two crones were not, which led me to believe that they were either the surgery's pets, or that my fear had caused me to imagine them.

Anyway, I was called in. The dental nurse was wearing a ridiculously large woolly hat! Surely against hygeine regulations, but I didn't like to question any member of the coven and so I let it slide. The nice German lady, or head witch if you will, sat me down, injected me and told me to sit outside whilst the poison, I mean, the anaesthetic kicked in. I was informed that it should take around 20 minutes.

An hour later, it had all but worn off and I was called back in for my filling. A procedure, surprisingly without incident. When I returned to the waiting room, the two she-devils had vanished, although I had no recollection of hearing the French National Anthem (see part 1).

I will be returning for regular check ups, if only so I can make these adventures a series of epic proportions.